Meaningless

Well, recently having a very severe dilemma.

Seriously I don't know what should I do. I try to cheat myself with many excuses like last time so that I can be more responsible. But, till this very year, I really do not want to do it anymore. I am really sick of it. Sick of trainings and all those stuffs. Yes, I know it's good for us, maybe even for our future, but you just don't understand, I can't do things I don't like. And, I hope that you can understand, and stop forcing me. :(

It's very very very super duper irresponsible to behave like that, yes I know. I know it very clearly. I didn't want to do so, but everytime when I think of going for competition and trainings, I feel so scared and I really get mad. I am mad at myself because I know my heart, I know these are things I don't like to do but I still did them.

I told you. But why you still ask me to go? At first I refused to join the state level, but you convinced me that this would be the very very very very very last time. Even if we won in the competition we could choose to continue or quit. Yes, I was very stupid and so I was convinced. On the very day I already chose to quit. I told my decision right after the result was announced. I never delayed on that because I knew it would be too late if I didn't tell early.

But now what? People who are convinced are considered quite stupid, like me. I feel like I am cheated and now, I have to go on on everything I don't like to do. This is very torturing and I suffer in it.

I really suffer.

Yes, I know it's super useless to hold on my decision till now. It is so stupid and useless. But, I just feel so depressed. Even if I join, I will never be happy. Somemore I am going to have mid-term in two weeks time and you guys think that cocurriculum activities and academic are similarly important. Yes, both of them are important. But, only those who are able to cope with both at the same time can do this. I am not that kind of person. I cannot focus on both at the same time. In the end, I will do very badly in both aspects. I don't want this kind of results. At least let me do a little better in one of them, and let me give up on the other. Can I? Can you?

Someone told me this before, Never do things that you like only, but do what you have to do. I tried to stick to this principle before, like last year. What I got in the end was, unhappiness. I really don't want that! I really don't want I really don't want I really don't want! I really don't know what to do already. Follow my heart is very wrong, follow what the others do also wrong, for me* So how?

If one of you see this, you will definitely get mad at me. I am really sorry. But, I cannot hold back my feelings any longer. I need to say it out, to let you know, that, this is what I am thinking.

This MIGHT be what I really want. I am not sure. Honestly, my parents encourage me to go. They say that this is a good opportunity. Maybe I can learn something or get a useful certificate which MAY BE useful for my applications in foreign universities next time. But I told them I didn't like it and didn't want to go either. Then you know what they told me, then don't go lah. -,- OMG, they are actually very cincai only. Therefore, I still don't know what to do.







Maybe I should not be determine anymore. It's so useless and it's totally very meaningless. What do you think? Mind to give me some opinions?

I really need help. Guide me, please.